Obviouslygonnadiesoon

"It is my fate to save the world!" Sam proclaimed, raising pleading eyes to his parents.

"It so very much isn't," his father said.

"I'm not even convinced the world needs saving," his mom added. "Honestly, things are fine the way they are."

"Yeah. Lord Terror isn't that bad, when you think about it."

"Right? I mean, he's done some good things."

"He's called Lord Terror for God's sake!" Sam, protested, banging his fists on the table. "He's so obviously evil!"

"Now, we don't go accusing people without proof. Not in this house, Sam."

"Without proof… what do you… I… he publicly announced that he wanted to destroy all of mankind as soon as he took over the government!" Sam exclaimed, getting up from his chair. "His campaign slogan was 'DEATH TO EVERY SINGLE THING RIGHT NOW'."

"Don't raise your voice to your father," Sam' mom warned, with a finger up in the air.

"He killed a batch of puppies with a mace in his acceptance speech as emperor of the world! How is that not evil!?"

"I mean, let's be honest, who likes puppies, really?"

"They do bark a lot, honey, your father has a point. Maybe you should just let this go, Sam."

"What? No, they – I – you can't -- are you seriously condoning puppy murder right now?"

"We just think this is none of your business, honey," Sam's father said, keeping his voice down. "Lord Terror might not be the best leader we could hope for –"

"He exploded the moon last week," Sam deadpanned, eyes on his father. "Like, we don't even know how the Earth's still functioning right now."

" – like I was saying… he might not be the best leader ever, but maybe we should wait before we form an opinion or start rebellions or, you know… put our lives on the line."

"What your father is trying to say," Sam's mom added, careful, "is that everyone deserves a chance before we attack them. Even Lord Terror. We don't know for a fact that he'll be a bad leader."

Sam looked from his mom to his dad in disbelief. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on.

Onscreen, a newscaster addressed the public with a somber expression: "—Lord Terror has just announced a new law that punishes smiles with death by chainsaw decapitation. Anyone caught smiling without proper government authorization is subject to –"

Sam turned off the TV. "Okay, he's killing people for smiling. Can I please go fight him now?"

Sam's father exchanged glances with his mom. Finally, his dad spoke up. "Sam, this has got to stop, okay?"

"Why!? Why are you so determined to keep me from fighting Lord Terror? Why won't you –"

"BECAUSE WE SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO CEDRIC, OKAY!?" his mom bellowed, unable to keep it together any longer.

A deafening silence took over the room.

"What?" Sam asked, after a moment.

"Cedric Diggory? That idiot who lives next door that thought he was the main character in his story!?"

Sam remembered him. A tall kid that kind of looked like a vampire. Disappeared one day without trace after trying to fight some evil lord named Bloudevort, or whatever.

"Your mother is afraid you're falling for the same trap Cedric fell, sixteen years ago," his father explained. "You think you're the hero of your story."

"What? No, I –"

"Cedric also thought he was the hero. His parents tried to talk him out of it. They tried to warn him. They said 'you barely showed up until the fourth book, honey, you're obviously going to die if you try to fight that noseless man.' But he wouldn't listen. He was convinced he was the chosen one. he was convinced the story was about him."

"That's ridiculous," Sam said. "Harry Potter was the chosen one, everybody knows that."

"Yeah, in hindsight. But back then, Cedric was convinced he was the main character."

"He thought he had plot armor. That he would survive anything."

"Turns out, nope. He was merely a turning point in the story. A death meant to up the stakes for the main character."

Sam looked from his father to his mother. "No.. but… I'm the main character in this story!" he said. "I've been here from the start! I even have the most lines!"

"Honey...."

Sam frowned. His parents were throwing weird glances to one another.

"What?" he asked, careful.

"Sammy, You just think that because you've only been alive since the start of the chapter."

"What?"

His parents exchanged glances again. "Honey… look up."

Confused, Sam turned his eyes upwards. There, right above his "It is my fate to save the world" line, he spotted the letters, bold and imposing and menacing:

Chapter 32 – A random idiot dies trying to fight Lord Terror

"No… no, it can't be…" Sam said, turning his gaze back to his parents.

"I'm sorry honey…"

"We tried to tell you…"

"You're just a comic relief death in a dark comedy story..."

"No… no, you're wrong! I'm going to prove you wrong! I will fight the evil of this world and I'll come back with the head of Lord Terror in my bloody, victorious arms!"

And with those words Samuel Obviouslygonnadiesoon marched out of the room. And then he went to face Lord Terror and he died horribly and, at the end of chapter 51, Lord Terror was finally defeated by the actual hero of the story, who was called Benjamin, in case you're interested.

And all was well.

Well, not for Sam's parents, they were forever crushed by the death of their stupid son. But you know. For the world in general and all.